Thanatos and Oizys

I was just going through Arash’s wonderful blog, and came across this one:

Arash's World: Thanatos, Schadenfreude and the Self-destructive and Dark Side of the Mind

“…known as Thanatos, the drive for death and self-destruction.”

Finally! A name for it! I’ve long fought with self-destructive “voice-thoughts” in my head, not knowing what to call them exactly, as they are inside my mind as opposed to coming from an external source (like a thought), but I have no control over them (like some else’s voice); all I can do is try to argue with them, or yell, or keep busy and ignore them, etc.

But now I learn of Thanatos. This sounds much like one of my “voice-thoughts”.

I went to Wikipedia’s entry on Thanatos and learned that the word was named after a Greek deity.

“… Thanatos prefers to end it all with death, the equalizer, the dark force, the state of constant peace, calm and rest.”

It’s sometimes like this, although my Thanatos seems to want me to kill myself more often because I’m wicked and don’t deserve to live, or because it would ease the suffering of my loved ones, if they did not have to deal with me.

“The voice becomes most adamant when things are going really well reminding us that we are all walking a thin, mortal line, while misfortune and death may be just around the bend.”

This pessimism and paranoia can be overwhelming, but I try to use it as a remind that we need to value what time we have, myself.

This has also led me to a name for the other, primary “voice-thought” I have, the one that tells me I’m worthless, that everyone hates me, etc., etc. I believe that Oizys, after the Greek goddess of distress, anxiety, and worry (her Latin name is where the word “misery” comes from) is better than “the berating voice-thought”.

There is one other “voice-thought”, the least active one that is smothered by the others: Right now, I call it Hope. It’s the one that, at the last minute when I’m hurting myself or attempting to overdose, usually gets me to get help, or manages to sabotage the attempt in some subtle way that Thanatos and Oizys don’t realize.

Info: Mental Health

WHAT ARE MENTAL ILLNESSES?

A mental illness is usually caused by an extremely traumatic event or a chemical imbalance in the brain.  Like heart disease or diabetes, it is a sickness, a physical illness, that the victim has little control over and no choice in suffering from.

There are things that a person can do to soften the impact: reduce stress, participate in therapy (both with a therapist or counselor and with a psychiatrist), take medication, and stay away from objects or events that trigger their problems.

The recognition and understanding of mental disorders have changed over time and across cultures. Definitions, assessments, and classifications of mental disorders can vary, but guideline criteria listed in the ICD, DSM and other manuals are widely accepted by mental health professionals. In the U.S., mental disorders are diagnosed based on the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fourth edition (DSM-IV). Categories of diagnoses in these schemes may include dissociate disorders, mood disorders, anxiety disorders, psychotic disorders, eating disorders, developmental disorders, personality disorders, and many other categories.

CAUSES OF MENTAL ILLNESS There are a wide variety of causes, but they include: genetics, early childhood development, drug use, disease and injury, changes in brain chemistry or neurotransmitters, psychological trauma, life experiences, society, and culture.

TYPES OF MENTAL ILLNESSES

ANXIETY DISORDERS-  This includes PANIC DISORDER, PHOBIAS, OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER (OCD) and POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER (PTSD).  These are all illnesses where anxiety runs out of control, disrupting normal daily activity.  PANIC DISORDER is when the victim feels terror, believing something horrible is about to happen at any time.  PHOBIAS are irrational fears of a particular object, person, place, or situation, while SOCIAL PHOBIA is fear of being in a social situation.  OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER is the OBSESSION, or overwhelming, constant need to do something rather like a ritual, whenever confronted with a certain situation, in order to quash the OBSESSION for the moment.  POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER, most frequent amount people who have been through or witnessed a horrifying event, is where the victim is terrified it will happen again.  All of these anxiety disorders have similar symptoms: shakiness, trembling, muscle aches, sweating, cold/clammy hands, dizziness, jitteriness, tension, fatigue, racing pulse, dry mouth, numbness, and tingling in extremities.

BIPOLAR DISORDER- Also known as "manic depression", victims experience extreme (and frequently violent) mood swings.  During frantic mania stages, they are overconfident and energetic, feeling on top of the world, overconfident, and hyperactive; they sleep much less, are easily irritated, their thoughts race, they lack good judgment, and they often take reckless behavior.  Conversely, there is devastating depression, when they can barely function at all (see DEPRESSION for other symptoms).  They are on an emotional roller coaster, never knowing what will happen next.  Bipolar disorder affects approximately 2.3 million American adults, or about 1.2 percent of the U.S. population age 18 and older in a given year.  Men and women are equally likely to develop bipolar disorder.  The average age at onset for a first manic episode is the early twenties.  Almost one-third of six to twelve year old children diagnosed with major depression will develop bipolar disorders within a few years.

DEPRESSION- Depression includes MAJOR DEPRESSIVE DISORDER, DYSTHYMIC DISORDER, and BIPLOAR DISORDER (see other entry for more information).  This disease can affect the body as well as the mind.  A victim can lose interest in their favorite activities, change their behavior and attitude, neglect responsibilities, isolate themselves.  They find it difficult to find any pleasure in life, feeling sadness, extreme disappointment, confusion, and anxiety instead.  Physically, they may have aches and pains that are unrelated to health issues, be fatigued, have changes in appetite and changes in weight, changes in sleep.  Their self esteem may be low, and they may experience suicidal thoughts which sometimes develop into action.    Depressive disorders may be appearing earlier in life in people born in recent decades compared to the past.  Depressive disorders often co-occur with anxiety disorders and substance abuse.  Approximately 18.8 million American adults, or about 9.5 percent of the U.S. population age 18 and older in a given year, have a depressive disorder.  Nearly twice as many women (12.0 percent) as men (6.6 percent) are affected by a depressive disorder each year. These figures translate to 12.4 million women and 6.4 million men in the U.S.  While major depressive disorder can develop at any age, the average age at onset is the mid-twenties.

PERSONALITY DISORDERS- These are illnesses that affect one's mood, self-image, and relationships, such as ANTISOCIAL, BORDERLINE, DEPENDENT, NARCISSISTIC, PARANOID and SCHIZOID (see other sections for more information) PERSONALITY DISORDERS.  Their symptoms are: fear of abandonment; inability to keep stable relationships; impulsiveness; distorted views of others, events, and themselves; inappropriate emotional responses; poor interpersonal skills; self destructive behaviors; suicidal behavior; mood swings; intense and inappropriate anger; and a distorted view of reality.

SCHIZOPHRENIA- This disease affects how a person thinks (causing trouble concentrating and organizing thoughts), feels (causing inappropriate feelings or an inability to express feelings), acts (a lack of treatment makes it extremely difficult for a victim to function in society).  Symptoms include delusions, hallucinations, disorganized thoughts and speech, inappropriate behavior, and withdrawal.  Approximately 1.5% of the population will have an episode of schizophrenia during their lifetime.  A child with one parent who has schizophrenia has a 12 percent chance of developing it, while a child whose both parents do has a 40 percent chance of doing so.

SCHIZO-AFFECTIVE DISORDER- This illness has the symptoms of both a mood disorder (most frequently bipolar or depression) and schizophrenia.  Symptoms may include psychosis, impaired expression or interpretation of reality (such as from hallucinations), paranoid or bizarre delusions, disorganized speech and thinking.  This usually manifests in early adulthood, but has been known to appear in childhood.  It is more common in women than in men.  It is more episodic and has a more favorable prognosis than schizophrenia, while those with the bipolar variation has a better prognosis than those with the depressive variation.

DUAL DIAGNOSIS- Sometimes, a person can have a DUAL DIAGNOSIS, in which mental illness is diagnosed along with a substance abuse problem, mental retardation, or borderline intellectual functioning.

PREVALANCE
Mental disorders have been found to be relatively common, with more than one in three people in most countries reporting sufficient criteria. An estimated 22.1 percent of Americans ages 18 and older - about 1 in 5 adults - suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year. When applied to the 1998 U.S. Census residential population estimate, this figure translates to 44.3 million people. In addition, 4 of the 10 leading causes of disability in the U.S. and other developed countries are mental disorders - major depression, Bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and obsessive-compulsive disorder. Many people suffer from more than one mental disorder at a given time.

SUICIDE STATISTICS

-In 2006, 33,300 people died by suicide in the U.S.
-More than 90 percent of people who kill themselves have a diagnosable mental disorder, commonly a depressive disorder or a substance abuse disorder.
-The highest suicide rates in the U.S. are found in white men over age 85
-In 2006, suicide was the 7th leading cause of death for males, and the 16th for females.

-In 2006, suicide was the 3rd leading cause of death among 15 to 24 year olds

Channing Bete Scriptographic (2003). About bipolar disorder. Classic scriptography, n.p. 2003.
Channing Bete Scriptographic (2003). About borderline personality disorder. Classic scriptography, n.p. 2003.
Channing Bete Scriptographic (2003). About schizophrenia. Classic scriptography, n.p. 2003.
Channing Bete Scriptographic (2003). Dual diagnosis, what you should know. Real style scriptography, n.p. 2003.
Channing Bete Scriptographic (2003). Understanding mental illnesses. Classic scriptography, n.p. 2003.
Channing Bete Scriptographic (2003). What everyone should know about depression. Classic scriptography, n.p. 2003.
Performance Resource Press, Inc (2002). Anxiety, item #6064. Troy, Michigan. 2002.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mental_Illness
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics.shtml
http://www.meehlfoundation.org/StatisticsAboutBipolarDisorder.php

Rambling: Mental Health and Mental Wealth

I think I need to begin by mentioning the status of my mental state. I have schizo-affective disorder (rather a combination of schizophrenia and bi-polar disorder).

It all started when I was a child, approximately nine or so. I started to write allegorical stories, in which "my" family was miserable, and then "I" would kill myself, and then everyone would live happily every after. A bit of a red flag, that.

Later, in what I hope was a dream, or, if real, in an encounter with the most sadistic babysitter alive, I was given a measure of my lifeline, so to speak. We were all outside playing, sitting in the grass.

"Let's tell fortunes," she said.

She told one of the others a thing of the future. I don't remember what. It was funny, happy. We laughed. It was the same with the next child. We laughed.

Then it was my turn. She looked at me, and, in a stern yet calm voice, intoned: "You will die before your eighteenth birthday."

I don't remember what happened next, but it did affect the rest of my life. I didn't make plans to grow up. As my birthday neared, I prepared to leave. Once it passed, there was a confused relief; I had no idea what to do next.

Anyways. Backing up a bit. I made my first "suicide attempt" at age 13. What I've always told everyone- and have nearly convinced myself- is that I started taking the Tylenol, and that I just didn't realize I kept taking it until the bottle was gone. Truth is, I knew what I was doing. I took the entire bottle because I was mad at my father, and at myself (although I don't remember why), but then when I had finished, I grew scared, so I sought help. The reason I have lied about my motivation is that I did not wish to get into trouble. Feel happy. You're the first person I've ever told about that.

Years have passed. I've been on so many medications I can't remember them all, but those I do are quite a list. Currently, I'm on enough to knock out an elephant, and, although it does make me drowsy quite a bit, there aren't that many other side effects, and I can interact with my family and friends, a blessing that I know is not to be taken for granted. I have been in-patient so many times, I know the workers and schedule of my hospital at a thought. And, sadly, I can't even recall the number of times I've tried to overdose. The last is the most frightening, as each time I try, the part of my mind that gets me to kill myself gets closer and closer to getting it "right" with each try. The good news is that it's been nearly seven years (!!!) since my last serious attempt; the reason is that I was pregnant at the time (a fact we didn't know yet). They tell me that the overdose did not factor into the miscarriage of Alex a few months later, but I'm still not convinced, so, every time I think of suicide, I think that it might not be just my life I'm playing with.

Well, I imagine some out there are wanting to know my symptoms. The largest are the Voices. They routinely tell me how stupid, ugly, and worthless I am, and how much people hate me. They are they ones that try to get me to kill myself; I love life and have no desire whatsoever to die, and am very afraid the voices will bully me into dying. Also, I have low self esteem, paranoia, and a fear of crowds. While not entirely removed by the medications, they are greatly reduced.

I don't feel that bad about my illness, most of the time.  I believe that for ever bane there is a boon, for every boon a bane.  Yes, I am deranged- but I have two wonderful sons, and a husband who loves me more than anything.  Yes, I am fearful and sorrowful- but I still have a close relationship with my parents (sometimes annoyingly close).  Yes, my mental health problems may be contributing to my physical health problems- but my friends are so close they are family; they would do anything for me and I for them.